The Hunt For Noah's Ark

A Scottish man has gone missing whilst searching Mount Arafat for, wait for it . . . . . . . Noah's Ark. Donald Mackenzie, from Lewis, vanished whilst searching for the Ark in a race to beat a Chinese group.

Here's a tip for any budding Ark researchers, if someone tells you they are close to finding Noah's Ark you can safely ignore them as it is as likely as finding Peter Pan's penis pump. That is to say, it'll never happen. Why you ask ? Because it's a fucking fairy tale, a myth, a big fat lie.

Listen people, there never was an Ark built to hold all types of animals with the aim of species survival and re population after a global flood because there never was a global flood. Didn't happen.

Here's a small list of other things that never happened;

Superman.
Iraqi WMD program.
Pyramids Built By UFOs.
Anything Built By UFOs.
UFOs.

I remember a flood when I was a lad. The park was submerged to the point where you could barely see the tennis courts. No Ark though.

Mobile Blogging

I'm posting this from my new mobile phone the Sony Ericson X10 Mini Pro and it's a lot easier than i'd have thought.

Next month; I take a shit photo and blog about how I can't figure out how to post the fucking thing.

Office Monkey QR

Football, Hotels & Sexual Assault

I really don't know what it is about footballers nowadays, a week rarely goes by without the news of a footballer being investigated for banging a hooker, sometimes a teenage hooker, sometimes a fifty-something hooker, but a hooker none the less. If it's not banging a hooker, it's crashing a car or assaulting someone in a bar, being caught on CCTV, and still managing to avoid prosecution.

I've now just read that Titus Bramble has been arrested on suspicion of rape. He now joins a rather large, and seemingly ever expanding, list of footballers who've fallen foul of the law or journalists recently. Steven Gerard punched some guy in a bar, Wayne Rooney can't stop fucking hookers, Peter Crouch apparently paid a large quantity of cash to bang some, frankly, rather average looking slut in Spain, Ashley Cole who was banging Cherly Cole mind you, managed to blow that by sleeping with some other chick. Joey Barton spends more time in prison than he does in the box.

I used to play five a side football during my lunch hour and not once did we ever stop off on the way back to the office for a quick rape or violent assault. We also managed to avoid crashing whatever car we were travelling in, usually mine as I remember.

But then I was never a professional footballer.

Enemies Of Reason

I watched Enemies Of Reason last night with Professor Richard Dawkins. That's to say that I watched a show in which the good professor featured, I wasn't with him watching it, and honestly it was like being hit round the head with a very small idiot being wielded by a much larger idiot.

I really don't know how he keeps his temper, I wanted to punch my TV after about three minutes and my mood just got worse. The show had a run time of about two hours.

Psychics, mediums, homeopaths, reiki healers, horoscopes, chakras, tarot card readers, crystal ball readers, angels, spirit guides, dowsers, religious kooks and, of course, Deepak-fucking-Chopra.

Two hours plus of the kinds of scams you'd have to have been lobotomised by a masturbating monkey to fall for, yet there there were, lining up like well dressed extras from the latest zombie flick, queueing to buy the latest quackery from the weirdest quack they could find.

People often claim that Dawkins is 'shrill', if I was presenting that show you'd have seen a working demonstration of 'shrillness' applied in liberal doses with a fucking baseball bat.

Boiler Parts, Boiler Parts Everywhere, But Not a Drop of Hot Water.

The fucking boiler has packed in again. The Plumber, I'm using that term loosely, apparently fixed it on thursday, but didn't realise the water dripping from the bottom was not part of normal operation. I made the connection and that's without years in Plumber College.

I also love the way he gives the kitchen that 'Just Burgled Look' before he leaves.

/b/

If there's one thing I've learnt on my interweb travels over the years is that you dont fuck with 4chan. Ever.

The Stupid, It Burns !

Cardiff councillor John Dixon has found himself in hot water after a twitter post about Scientology. Mr Dixon has managed to offend the retards in this wacky cult with the following post;

"I didn't know the Scientologists had a church on Tottenham Court Road. Just hurried past in case the stupid rubs off."

The comments were spotted by a retard that happened to belong to the space cult, who reported the insult to the Public Services Ombudsman, whatever the fuck that is, who agreed that the councillor shoudn't have made those remarks. And I agree with the Ombudsman, he shouldn't have made those remarks. Stupid doesn't rub off John, it's something you either shake off early in your life or you're stuck with it.

So what we can gather from this is that a some time idiot, has become upset with someone pointing out out that one of his hobbies, cultish stupidity, is stupid.

Stupid.

Durka Jihad Ninja Mohamed

Around two thousand burka wearing French women will have their eyes, and only their eyes mind you, fixed upon the news today, waiting to hear the result of the debate on whether the French parliment attempts to get a law passed banning the wearing of Ninja cosutmes in public.

Durka.

Its a real big fuck you, not the banning of Ninja cosumes, but the wearing of them in the first place. What better way to say "I'm not like the rest of you, I'm a 14th century Japanese assasin !" than to swan about in public dressed like Weight-Watchers' Ninja Slimmer Of The Year ?

Jiiiiihhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

But to be serious for a minute here, there are real issuses here regarding freedom of expresion. Do we really have the right, and by we I mean the general populous not we the French, to tell people what to wear in public ? Well we already do, try grabbing some shopping in Tesco whilst wearing pyjamas and see how far you get.

But of course all this is simply a massive case of Elephant in the corner of the room - and the overlooking of it.

This really shouldn't be about Anti-Islamic sentiments or floppy security concerns, there should be no mention of womens rights, nor wrongs. Freedom of expresion should not and need not be mentioned. Concern for the downtrodden is simply a whimsical misnomer here in this place.

There is a  real issue to grab by the lappels here but the jacket remains untouched, hanging limply in the corner of the bar.

That issue being; just how fucking mental are these people anyway ?

Homeopathy

It's just fucking water. It has no healing properties, it's simply water. The same stuff you get from a tap or from clouds.

How fucking stupid do you have to be to accept water as a valid treatment for an ailment. It's 2010 for christ's sake. We can put probes on Mars but some members of the general populace believe water can cure them of diseases.

How does this sort of mental gymnastics work ?

Apple iPhone 4

Apple have launched a new iPhone much to the delight of Appletards everywhere who have rushed out to throw the money their folks send to them every week at Steve Jobs.

They do this even though the last iPhone is possibly the worst phone you could buy. I say this with some authority, having spent a weekend in Prague with an iPhone owner who spent almost all weekend using the voice activated apps called "What the fuck !", "Why wont you fucking work ?" and "Will you just do as I've fucking asked !"

Apple have gone one further this time by producing a phone that wont get a signal if you hold it.

Obviously appletards around the globe rushed out to buy this useless piece of shit and will no doubt claim that the fact it doesn't work when you hold it doesn't detract from the overall brilliance of the device.

Steve Jobs. He's aptly named.

Dr McNinja

This is Dr Daniel McNinja, he's a real doctor and a ninja. I like ninjas and I quite like doctors. Well medical doctors anyway. So I've really enjoyed reading all about the exploits of Dr McNinja.

Ninjas or doctors not doing it for you ? Well it also features Mexicans, Gorillas and a selection of Velociraptors.

It also has pirates.

http://drmcninja.com/

Dear Peter

I have received a lovely letter from Peter. I don't know Peter, so it's all the more exciting that he's taken the time out to write to me, even more so considering the mess his life's in.

I think Peter may look like this -

Here's Peters letter -

Good day!

My name is Peter, I am 24 years this year. My parents were killed by the president of our country because my father was an opposition leader to the government of my country (IVORY COAST WEST AFRICA)

Before the death of my father, he has $5 M USD in a fixed deposit domiciliary account with a bank in Abidjan Ivory Coast, which I am the next of kin. I have tried to stay with my uncles after the death of my parents, but they have made things to be more difficult for me, since the unexpected death of my beloved parents. My uncles has been seriously chasing me around with constant treats, trying to suppress me so that I will surrender the documents of this funds deposit and trying to force me to instruct the bank to release the monies into his control. He says that if I don't cooperate with his wishes then he will kill me.

I humbly need your assistance in transferring this fund for investment; I need your assistance to provide bank account where the funds will be transferred into. I want you to travel down here to have a face to face meeting with me and to verify things yourself. I am willing to offer you 10% of the total sum as compensation of your effort.

I’m anticipating hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Peter

Wow, quite the read I'm sure you''ll agree.

I've penned my response here -

Dear Peter,

Thank you for your letter regarding banking difficulties, I know all about them I assure you, that's why I try to do all my banking online. Congratulations on your twenty-fourth birthday by the way, sorry I couldn't attend your party.

Now down to business. I am sorry to hear about your parents and your horrible sounding uncles, chasing you round with treats is probably their way of making you feel better, but what on earth makes you think I'd want to be involved with this dangerous sounding endeavour ? Especially for a paltry 10% of $5m US !

I mean with the exchange rate of about 70p to the dollar, I wouldn't even see £350k and that's gross. After Capital Gains Tax I'd be lucky to see £250k, little reward, I'm sure you'd agree, for dealing with the murderous sounding bastards that are your countrymen.

So here's the rub, we make a new deal, say 50-50 each way, that's $2.5m each, but for added security you forward all the money to my offshore account, that way I'll have the means to get you extracted from your hell-hole of a country, right out from under the nose of El Presidente before he puts a bullet in your head.

Then we meet up somewhere nice, what say you to a trip to Dublin or maybe Melbourne ? and conclude our business.

Yours

Office Monkey

Jesus. H. Christ. On A Bike. In A Hat.

British Electorate: You're a fucking shower, an absolute fucking shower.
Electoral Commission : You're an even bigger fucking shower.

Goodnight.

Durka, Durka Jihad !

South Park creators, Matt Stone & Trey Parker, are facing death threats from Muslim wacko's and censorship from the very people who should be fighting tooth and nail with them, namely Comedy Central.

Make's you wonder, just what the fuck has happened to the Americans ? The same lot that screamed blue murder about French resistance to military action in Iraq and Afganistan is now capitulating to a bunch of anonymous internet based faith-heads out of of fear.

If you haven't seen the latest episode of South Park, it must be the most censored 20 minutes of cartoon ever shown on TV. It was so heavily censored, especially the last five minutes, that I assumed it must have been part of the joke. I mean come on, this is hilarious, it must be intentional - right ? But apparently not.

If I can host some video somewhere I'll link to it here so you can judge for yourselves, but fucking take my word for it, if this isn't a prank by the South Park team, and I'm still not convinced it isn't, then freedom, artistic or otherwise is slowly going to the way of the Dodo.

If you're thinking this may well be a slight overreaction to the censoring of a cartoon, then realise that animation is by far the easiest way to get things cleared for broadcast. If we can't get shit like this on TV then what chance of real debate ?

Mohammed Yesterday.

Pedophile Supporting Pope To Be Arrested

He wont, of course, but he should, shouldn't he ? This man is personally responsible for the cover up of many instances of child rape. Child Rape. I've capitalized that to ensure that the crime is seen for what it is; rape of children, by Catholic Priests, under the protection and apparently consent of the current Pope.

So we are all clear, yes ? The Catholic Church has, for many years, covered up the systematic rape of children by Priests and, in doing so, obstensively supported the actions of these priests. Fuck, not supported, fucking encoraged it !

Yet what has been the reaction to this by Catholics ?

Dissapointment.

Uh - huh. Disapointment is something I reserve for a slightly underwhelming meal or a pint not up to expectations. Not, I'd imagine, an unwelcome cock up my arse.

The reaction by the Church itself is almost beyond belief, similar to many things they say, by denouncing the whole thing as a campaign by the Jewish led media, secularists and teh gays “Many psychologists and psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relationship between celibacy and paedophilia. But many others have demonstrated, I have been told recently, that there is a relationship between homosexuality and paedophilia. That is true. That is the problem.” said Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican Secretary of State.

Whoa, nice dodge there skip.

I think Bill Hicks summed this up during the Waco debacle 17 years ago when discussing the real reasons for ATF raiding the property -

"If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?"

Valid point Bill.

South Park Season 14

The latest season of South Park is shaping up to be the best season of this show for a while, maybe even the best season so far ! Topics covered already include, but aren't limited to;

Facebook
Legalised Marijuana
Fast Food & Obesity
Tiger Woods
Cancer

The highlight fo me so far must be Randy Marsh stood upon a chair, with his pants around his ankles and his balls in a microwave, asking his son, Stan, to get him a beer.

If you'd like to know why Randy has his balls inside a microwave, you'll have to watch the show. If you just want to see Randy's balls, well you have issues.

Avatar

I thought this looked fucking familiar. It's just the bloody smurfs without the skill of being able to draw animated characters and devise a plot.

Cameron you lazy bastard, I hope Gordon Brown wins now.

Blasphemer !

"You're only making it worse for yourself !"
"Worse ?! How could it get any worse ?!"

It's funny when the Monty Pythons lads do it, but when it happens in real life blasphemy is no laughing matter. Well, not to the terminally stupid or deluded.

A 59 year old philosopher tutor has been charged with three counts of "religiously aggravated harassment", whatever the fuck that is, after leaving a few leaflets in a prayer room of an airport, leaving the Chaplin in charge feeing "offended", "affronted" and "alarmed".

Now I know what you're thinking, well this must've happened in some back water part of the Middle East or Africa or maybe even somewhere in the bible belt in the good old USA. Well you'd be fucking wrong dear reader, as this happened in Liverpool, England.

I laughed when Liverpool was voted European City Of Culture in 2008. I'm not fucking laughing now.

Stop Stop! We have run out of virgins: One of the cartoons left in the prayer room by Harry Taylor

Free Willy

CHOMP !

I'll bet those viewing the show at Sea World were having a whale of a time right up until the point where the Orca came to his senses and killed another one of the wind up merchants or "trainers".

Keeping an apex predator in cramped conditions is one thing, keeping an apex predator that's smarter than you in cramped conditions whilst you command it to do the same old shit over and over again, well you're just asking for trouble ain't you ?

CHOMP !

Snow, Morons & Naked Comics

Snow, it's been bloody everywhere hasn't it ? I got my car stuck and had to dig it out before I could drive to work. I remember it with much love from my childhood too. Thankfully, someone in my road constructed a 10 foot tall snow penis outside their house which raised a smile with yours truly.

Apparently the last ever Celebrity Big Brother is on TV and one of the Baldwin brothers is in it. It's the one who was in the film 'The Usual Suspects'. Amazingly he's a born again idiot - sorry christian - who denounces evolution and probably believes the Earth is only 6,000 years old. I say probably because I don't watch it and can't be bothered to find out.

I watched Argumental, Channel Dave's Panel Show, last night on which Rufus Hounds shed his clothes for a closing argument that Naturism is not weird. Stark bollock naked, he spoke, quite eloquently about the joys of being clothe less. He's got balls that man.