Breaking News - Diana Still Dead

This just in; Lady Diana, Princess Of Wales, has not risen, Lazarus like, from the dead and still remains a corpse, a court heard today. Despite hearing how the Illuminati working alongside MI6 under the authority of Prince Philip, himself under direct control by The New World Order, the Inquest returned a verdict of "still dead by car crash.". The Inquest returned a similar verdict on Dodi Al Fayed.

Summing up the Inquest Lord Justice Scott Baker said there was no evidence suggesting a plot "by MI6 or Prince Philip" and that reported involvement by "The Illuminati" or "The New World Order" were baseless and without merit.

Summing up on the final day the coroner added that "Paul Burell is a lying cunt" who should "watch his fucking mouth in future".

Amazingly, Mr Burell was unavailable for comment.