Travel Time !

I'm off to Bratislava in two days, that's Slovakia if you're interested. I'd envision it'll be cold with loads of hot women just like most Eastern block type parts of Europe.

Normally I'm unaffected by air travel, but this time I'm flying RyanAir, so I'm as nervous a a 19 year old squaddie on D-Day.

Chocs away !

The Twitter Twatter Of Tiny Blogs

Twitter, let's be honest now, it's a bit shit isn't it.

Blog posts, but much smaller and without the grammer or halfway decent spelling.

Why ?

Presumably it's about speed of posting, but then how much effort does it take to write a blog post ? Looking at this one you'd be right to think "not long" and it doesn't, I can bang out between four and six posts a year with minimum spelling errors and a slack handful of basic grammatical faux pas.

So come on twatters, ditch the twitting and get back to good old fashioned blogging, you lazy wankers.

Wacko Jacko Deado !

He slipped away last night of a heart attack apparently.

Sha-mone !

Anyway, here's a collection of all the jokes I've received regarding his death.

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HJ has had a heart attack after falling over a pram. The coroner said it's too soon to "blame it on the buggy."

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MJ's kids have visited the morgue, but it's not the first time they've seen him stiff.

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Gary Glitter has just put in a world record bid for Michael Jackson's laptop.

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Michael Jackson's latest dates have had to be cancelled. They were James, aged 9, and Thomas, aged 11.

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As Jacko was fighting for his life in the ambulance the doctor said I think we should start CPR, the Paramedic said no we should start heart massage and the driver said we should start an adrenaline drip. Jacko, now fighting for breath, said you wanna be starting something, you gotta be starting something.

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Michael Jackson did not die of a heart attack, he died chocking on nuts. Don't worry the 9 year old boy is fine.

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Michael Jackson is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

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Michael Jackson is dead. Early reports of skin cancer are not true. So don't blame it on the sunshine.

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What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day. One played with major and the other played with the minors.

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What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson ? Sir Alex Ferguson can play Giggs in August.

Britain's Got Talent

A dog, a seventy-three year old "brake dancer", a stripper, a girl band, a dance troupe and a boy dressed up as Mowgli.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you "Britain's Got Talent."

The only thing with less talent than the contestants are the judges.

The Power Of Marmite Compels You !

A family of total dunder-heads from Wales are convinced that Jesus has appeared to them in a Marmite jar. A Fucking Marmite jar, it's always some shit like this isn't it ? On a piece of toast, or a cracker or a fucking chipati.

And more annoyingly why does the media cover this stuff ?

It's not an image of Jesus for two very simple reasons -

1) Jesus never existed.

2) If he had existed, he would never have looked like a white man.

So either way, this isn't a picture of Jesus.

It could be Bin Laden mind.

Simon Pegg and Me.

Now, I like Simon Pegg. He's funny, loyal to his mates and he's even got a cheeky little face. His TV show Spaced was fantastic and the films he's made with Edgar Wright have all been brilliant.

Which, of course, brings us on to Star Trek.

Do you remember the scene in Spaced where Pegg briliantly parodied Star Wars, mimicking the Vader cremation scene to such memorable effect, after the release of Attack Of The Clowns or whatever that stupid fucking film was called ?

Well Pegg, I hate to break it to you but the new Star Trek is horrible. The guy playing Kirk managed to make it so that I wanted Spock to kill him as soon as they appeared on screen together, then Vulcan death-grip himself.

The guy with the "Russian" accent - what the fuck was that about ?! The kid from Harold & Kumar - he sucked.

Eric Bana was wasted. Either that or he peaked with Chopper.

And you were shit an' all Pegg. I mean what the fuck was with that ? "I canne doit cap'n", "I'm givin' her all she got cap'n!" "She canne take no more cap'n."

I canne take no more at this point.

Talk about a Captains Log.

You Are Not A Jedi Yet !

Despite every Star Wars nerd on Earth putting down "Jedi" as an answer to "What Religion Are You ?" in the census, Jedi is still not an officially recognised religion.

You're not Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi or even that Scottish guy with the beard.

Just put Athiest down next time you fucking dorks.

Blast From The Past

Do you remember this idiot ? He's the twat who spoilt the marathon at the Athens Olympics by pushing, then leader, Vanderlei de Lima to the side of the road. This was only a year after the broke through security at Silverstone and played chicken with a few million dollar sports cars.

In October 2004 he danced a jig outside the Old Bailey after he was cleared of indecency with a seven-year-old girl.

He was a priest but he's been defrocked now.

Well now he's popped up on Britains Got Talent, apparently doing some sort of Irish dance. Do we really need more Irish dancing ? I say more because we're still dealing with that Flattley fella and I still think he's one too many. But anyway back to Neil Horan the real reason for this 'article'.

Do you know the best thing about him ? He's done all of the above, Runner bashing, F1 Chicken, Kiddie fiddling (the aquitting thereof) and Irish Jigging all in the same fucking clobber !

Great British madness at it's finest.

I'm back.

Fear not loyal readers, my absense was not caused by my head exploding after reading yet another retarded article in the BBC's "news" section, I've actually been on holiday to Australia.

Now don't panic, all though I may well be well rested, don't think for one moment 4 weeks out of Blightey have calmed me down. Well they did, but I came back and my dealer immediately let me down and I've just spent £150 in a dentists chair apparently shooting scenes for a Marathon Man remake.

So don't worry I'm really on edge at the moment.

Oh and I've just remembered my fucking FM transmitter for my Zen player has run out of juice.

Extreme Fishing With Robson Green

Fuck me. This must be a joke.

God v Zimbabwe

He's finally gotten around to it but Rowan Atkinson - sorry Williams - is apparently going to ask God to pull his finger out and sort out Zimbabwe.

Why didn't Rowan think of this before ? It's not like God has a bad track record when it comes to intervening in worldly matters, I mean how else can you account for a black president ?

So this means that by Xmas, at the latest, Rowan and God should have sorted out most of humanities problems. I say most as I think that the Afghan war won't be sorted until Ross Kemp has finished his third series.

But don't take my word for it. This is Rowan above, doesn't he look like the kind of modern free-thinker (out of the box of course) you'd need to drag these backward places into the 19th century ?

Thought so.

Muslim Shatters Stereotype, Beheads Wife

The founder of a US TV station, aimed at countering stereotypes of Muslims, has been charged with the murder and beheading of his wife.

That's right, the TV station was setup to counter peoples stereotypical view of Muslims, and yes, he did cut his wife's head off.

Mr Muzzammil Hassan, pictured here with his wife, presumably before the beheading, has been charged with 2nd degree murder after his wife's 'body' was found at the TV station.

I wounder if he filmed it for his TV show ?

Darwin, Attenborough & The IDiots.

With the upcoming birthday of Charles Darwin and the subsequent celebrations of one of sciences greatest theories, Evolution by Natural Selection, it's good to know that certain members of society are still, mentally, traped in the Dark Ages - most notably religious creationists.

In intellectual circles the idea of a magically created universe was dismissed for what it was, a childs fairytale, 150 years ago when Darwin figured out how life has come to be as it is, through Evolution by Natural Selection.

But, of course, the theory has come under fire as it doesn't tie up with a mistranslated 2,000 year old shepherds almanac, namely the bible. Or the Koran. Or any other poorly constucted bronze age text.

Now it's come to my attention that living legend Sir David Attenborough has received "hate mail" from religious loons for failing to give credit to god in his programmes.

Feel that christian love.