Wacko Jacko Deado !

He slipped away last night of a heart attack apparently.

Sha-mone !

Anyway, here's a collection of all the jokes I've received regarding his death.

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HJ has had a heart attack after falling over a pram. The coroner said it's too soon to "blame it on the buggy."

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MJ's kids have visited the morgue, but it's not the first time they've seen him stiff.

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Gary Glitter has just put in a world record bid for Michael Jackson's laptop.

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Michael Jackson's latest dates have had to be cancelled. They were James, aged 9, and Thomas, aged 11.

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As Jacko was fighting for his life in the ambulance the doctor said I think we should start CPR, the Paramedic said no we should start heart massage and the driver said we should start an adrenaline drip. Jacko, now fighting for breath, said you wanna be starting something, you gotta be starting something.

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Michael Jackson did not die of a heart attack, he died chocking on nuts. Don't worry the 9 year old boy is fine.

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Michael Jackson is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

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Michael Jackson is dead. Early reports of skin cancer are not true. So don't blame it on the sunshine.

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What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day. One played with major and the other played with the minors.

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What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson ? Sir Alex Ferguson can play Giggs in August.

Britain's Got Talent

A dog, a seventy-three year old "brake dancer", a stripper, a girl band, a dance troupe and a boy dressed up as Mowgli.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you "Britain's Got Talent."

The only thing with less talent than the contestants are the judges.

The Power Of Marmite Compels You !

A family of total dunder-heads from Wales are convinced that Jesus has appeared to them in a Marmite jar. A Fucking Marmite jar, it's always some shit like this isn't it ? On a piece of toast, or a cracker or a fucking chipati.

And more annoyingly why does the media cover this stuff ?

It's not an image of Jesus for two very simple reasons -

1) Jesus never existed.

2) If he had existed, he would never have looked like a white man.

So either way, this isn't a picture of Jesus.

It could be Bin Laden mind.

Simon Pegg and Me.

Now, I like Simon Pegg. He's funny, loyal to his mates and he's even got a cheeky little face. His TV show Spaced was fantastic and the films he's made with Edgar Wright have all been brilliant.

Which, of course, brings us on to Star Trek.

Do you remember the scene in Spaced where Pegg briliantly parodied Star Wars, mimicking the Vader cremation scene to such memorable effect, after the release of Attack Of The Clowns or whatever that stupid fucking film was called ?

Well Pegg, I hate to break it to you but the new Star Trek is horrible. The guy playing Kirk managed to make it so that I wanted Spock to kill him as soon as they appeared on screen together, then Vulcan death-grip himself.

The guy with the "Russian" accent - what the fuck was that about ?! The kid from Harold & Kumar - he sucked.

Eric Bana was wasted. Either that or he peaked with Chopper.

And you were shit an' all Pegg. I mean what the fuck was with that ? "I canne doit cap'n", "I'm givin' her all she got cap'n!" "She canne take no more cap'n."

I canne take no more at this point.

Talk about a Captains Log.

You Are Not A Jedi Yet !

Despite every Star Wars nerd on Earth putting down "Jedi" as an answer to "What Religion Are You ?" in the census, Jedi is still not an officially recognised religion.

You're not Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi or even that Scottish guy with the beard.

Just put Athiest down next time you fucking dorks.

Blast From The Past

Do you remember this idiot ? He's the twat who spoilt the marathon at the Athens Olympics by pushing, then leader, Vanderlei de Lima to the side of the road. This was only a year after the broke through security at Silverstone and played chicken with a few million dollar sports cars.

In October 2004 he danced a jig outside the Old Bailey after he was cleared of indecency with a seven-year-old girl.

He was a priest but he's been defrocked now.

Well now he's popped up on Britains Got Talent, apparently doing some sort of Irish dance. Do we really need more Irish dancing ? I say more because we're still dealing with that Flattley fella and I still think he's one too many. But anyway back to Neil Horan the real reason for this 'article'.

Do you know the best thing about him ? He's done all of the above, Runner bashing, F1 Chicken, Kiddie fiddling (the aquitting thereof) and Irish Jigging all in the same fucking clobber !

Great British madness at it's finest.

I'm back.

Fear not loyal readers, my absense was not caused by my head exploding after reading yet another retarded article in the BBC's "news" section, I've actually been on holiday to Australia.

Now don't panic, all though I may well be well rested, don't think for one moment 4 weeks out of Blightey have calmed me down. Well they did, but I came back and my dealer immediately let me down and I've just spent £150 in a dentists chair apparently shooting scenes for a Marathon Man remake.

So don't worry I'm really on edge at the moment.

Oh and I've just remembered my fucking FM transmitter for my Zen player has run out of juice.

Extreme Fishing With Robson Green

Fuck me. This must be a joke.

God v Zimbabwe

He's finally gotten around to it but Rowan Atkinson - sorry Williams - is apparently going to ask God to pull his finger out and sort out Zimbabwe.

Why didn't Rowan think of this before ? It's not like God has a bad track record when it comes to intervening in worldly matters, I mean how else can you account for a black president ?

So this means that by Xmas, at the latest, Rowan and God should have sorted out most of humanities problems. I say most as I think that the Afghan war won't be sorted until Ross Kemp has finished his third series.

But don't take my word for it. This is Rowan above, doesn't he look like the kind of modern free-thinker (out of the box of course) you'd need to drag these backward places into the 19th century ?

Thought so.

Muslim Shatters Stereotype, Beheads Wife

The founder of a US TV station, aimed at countering stereotypes of Muslims, has been charged with the murder and beheading of his wife.

That's right, the TV station was setup to counter peoples stereotypical view of Muslims, and yes, he did cut his wife's head off.

Mr Muzzammil Hassan, pictured here with his wife, presumably before the beheading, has been charged with 2nd degree murder after his wife's 'body' was found at the TV station.

I wounder if he filmed it for his TV show ?

Darwin, Attenborough & The IDiots.

With the upcoming birthday of Charles Darwin and the subsequent celebrations of one of sciences greatest theories, Evolution by Natural Selection, it's good to know that certain members of society are still, mentally, traped in the Dark Ages - most notably religious creationists.

In intellectual circles the idea of a magically created universe was dismissed for what it was, a childs fairytale, 150 years ago when Darwin figured out how life has come to be as it is, through Evolution by Natural Selection.

But, of course, the theory has come under fire as it doesn't tie up with a mistranslated 2,000 year old shepherds almanac, namely the bible. Or the Koran. Or any other poorly constucted bronze age text.

Now it's come to my attention that living legend Sir David Attenborough has received "hate mail" from religious loons for failing to give credit to god in his programmes.

Feel that christian love.

Jesus v Santa

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7798480.stm

Cracking tale of a miserable priest who ruined Christmas for dozens of kids by telling them that Santa doesn't exist. Not only did he do it he said he do it again if he had the chance.

The priest said he had never intended to hurt anyone, but it was his duty to distinguish the reality of Jesus from the story of Father Christmas which was a fable just like Cinderella or Snow White.

You can almost taste the fucking irony here can't you ?

Still, I suppose we should at least point out that the priest didn't attempt to rape any of the little tykes.

Pope Hates Gays - It's Official

Pope 'Face' Benedict emparted some more Vatican 'wisdom' recently when he announced that mankind needed saving from 'teh gays'. Oh, and lady-boys.

But not content to leave it there he also had a crack at the United Nations saying that their resolution decriminalising homosexuality went too far.

Of course to any rational free-thinker this seems ludicrous; the United Nations going too far ? You're making no sense whatsoever now. Pop a wacky hat on and go and read some latin in a gold room somewhere would you old chap, the grown ups are talking.

The Poems, the poems !!

Stephen "Shithead" Green has been bothering people on behalf of god recently. This time it was Waterstones, the book store, who were threatened by Shithead for daring to invite poet Patrick Jones to read some poetry from his new book.

Fucking poems - what's next, nursery rhymes ?

Of course Waterstones capitulated immediately and cancelled the poetry reading, for fear of offending a man who must get offended by his own fuckin breakfast.

Why, oh why, did they not tell him to shut up and fuck off, the spiteful little cunt and his band of professional moaning fucks. How I hate him.

If god really did exist, he'd kill Stephen Green wouldn't he ? Yes, yes he would.

Tesco V Muslim

It's not often that you'll find me siding with a global capitalist conglomerate against one man, but when that man turns out to be yet another whining fucking Muslim 'victim' then my socialist worldview evaporates like hot piss on a cold winters morning.

In case you don't know the story, Mohamed Ahmed, left, worked as a fork lift truck driver (doesn't sound Islamic to me - as I'm fairly sure electronic motorised lifting equipment was forbidden by Muhammad) when he was asked to shift some palettes of beer. Yeah, I'm sure you can see where this one is heading. Needless to say Mo (I'm shortening his name because I can't be arsed to type the whole name, I'm never quite sure how to spell it and I'm hoping it's against Islam - let's be fair what isn't nowadays ?) threw his Koran out of his Mosque. Like a fucking little child.

When he refused to do his job Tesco sacked him. Mo then took Tesco to court for not respecting his religious beliefs. I've put beliefs in italics because that's all they are. Beliefs. Myths. Stories. Fucking make believe you stupid cunt now move those fucking palettes !

Sorry, sorry, now where was I ?

Ah yes, Mo takes Tesco to court. But get this, Tesco win ! Mo gets the finger from the fucking judge !

Is this a blow struck for rationality at last ? Well it certainly appears that way, lets just hope the inevitable appeal won't go Mo's way.

Blog Gets A Brazilian

No, not one of those pubic shavings, but a visitor from Brazil, namely Monkey in Brazil, who commented on my piece about Sherbert Fountains.

I knew fucking about with that sherbert would pay off - and how !

International readers, local media attention - I'm telling you the sky's the limit after this.

Oh, and I should also say thanks for the booze you brought back for me last time - it really was very nice with some fresh citrus fruits as suggested.

Courage Of Their Convictions

I wish more people had them to be honest. Dan O'Neil certainly has, but it would appear his fucking editor doesn't.

The South Wales Echo was besieged by biggoted divs (the word div comes courtesy of Stewart Lee) from the lunatic sky fairy group Christian Voice the other week. They are complaining, or should I say pissing and moaning like the bunch of retards they are, that the following snippet from a Dan O'Neil column was, yawn, blasphemous.

This Jesus feller swans around all day with a dozen other blokes. No women. Mark that, no women. And he wanders off into the mountains now and again to spend quality time with his, uh, favourites (Mark.9:2). He picks up small boys and girls and puts his hands upon them (Mark 10:16) And he was seen in a garden when one of his mates came up and kissed him (Matthew,26:48). Suspicious, eh?

It's similar to the Sam Kinison joke that you know Jesus wasn't married, because he was allowed to hang about with his mates for a month and not return home.

But if you read the above paragraph in it's proper context, it's clear that Dan wasn't having a pop at the baby Jebus, but was in fact wondering -

How would this fanatical Hammerer of Homosexuals, leader of a bunch of annoying bigots have interpreted events in Palestine a couple of thousand years ago?

As the article leads with.

Amazingly Bird-Shit Green, gathered his band of unhappy, guilt ridden arseholes and marched straight down to the Echo offices to demand the crucifixion of Dan O'Neil. Of course the editor of the South Wales Echo couldn't wait to hand over his journalistic integrity, as this apology shows -

It has come to our attention that in an article on Wednesday, July 16, headlined ‘If God considers gays and abomination why did he create them?’, our columnist Dan O’Neill offended a number of Christians . We would like to apologise for any offence caused to those people who believe the article insulted the Christian faith, Jesus Christ and the Holy Bible.

This isn't the most annoying thing about this though, I drive past the Echo offices every day and wouuld've happily mowed these sheep down.

That's a story nobody would've complained about.

They Sikh Him There . . .

That fucking kid won her appeal against being told what to do when in a state school. Un-bastard-believable. I'm furious about this, a school has a no jewelry policy but that is not acceptable to some because they believe in fairy tales, so they are allowed special treatment.

It's fucking unreal this. I'm gonna start calling myself a satanist and insist I should be allowed to sacrifice animals, no fuck that; people, at my desk in work. If anyone disagrees, I claim "discrimination" and it's off to the courts with a bag full of tax payers cash !

Will someone please find the balls to stand up to this retarded shit, I'm fucking begging you.

The irony of all this is that she's sooo fucking ugly, the jewelry is completely wasted on her.

Honestly, face like a bulldog licking piss of a bangle.

Sherbert Fountain

I'm sat here eating, if that's the word, a Sherbet Fountain for probably the first time in 25 years and it's not as good as I'd remembered. I'm sure that it's way smaller than it used to be (yes I'm aware I may have grown during the last quarter of a century) and the ratio of liquorice to sherbet is skewed massively in favour of the sherbet. I like sherbet but without the liquorice to access it, it's redundant within the snack.

Overall, a nice drop of nostalgia but it's no Topic to be honest.

Next week, those paper U.F.O.s with fizzy shit in 'em.

Muslims On A Train

I've read reports recently that Muslims, suprise, suprise, are now complaining about the use of sniffer dogs after complaints that it is "against Islam". Apparently the only thing that isn't against Islam nowadays is blowing shit up.

There's an easy solution to this mind; put up signs outside the stations informing passengers that sniffer dogs are in operation and all passengers may be subject to search. You can also add a caveat that if this seems unacceptable to you then maybe you should take a fucking cab instead.

Or put up a sign that reads "Sniffer dogs will remain in operation as long as Muslims keep blowing things up."

Just stop fucking kow-towing to these fucking idiots, you cowardly spineless fuckers.

Fuck it, free skateboards for all Muslims - what ? that's against Islam too ? What a fucking suprise.