Extreme Fishing With Robson Green

Fuck me. This must be a joke.

God v Zimbabwe

He's finally gotten around to it but Rowan Atkinson - sorry Williams - is apparently going to ask God to pull his finger out and sort out Zimbabwe.

Why didn't Rowan think of this before ? It's not like God has a bad track record when it comes to intervening in worldly matters, I mean how else can you account for a black president ?

So this means that by Xmas, at the latest, Rowan and God should have sorted out most of humanities problems. I say most as I think that the Afghan war won't be sorted until Ross Kemp has finished his third series.

But don't take my word for it. This is Rowan above, doesn't he look like the kind of modern free-thinker (out of the box of course) you'd need to drag these backward places into the 19th century ?

Thought so.

Muslim Shatters Stereotype, Beheads Wife

The founder of a US TV station, aimed at countering stereotypes of Muslims, has been charged with the murder and beheading of his wife.

That's right, the TV station was setup to counter peoples stereotypical view of Muslims, and yes, he did cut his wife's head off.

Mr Muzzammil Hassan, pictured here with his wife, presumably before the beheading, has been charged with 2nd degree murder after his wife's 'body' was found at the TV station.

I wounder if he filmed it for his TV show ?

Darwin, Attenborough & The IDiots.

With the upcoming birthday of Charles Darwin and the subsequent celebrations of one of sciences greatest theories, Evolution by Natural Selection, it's good to know that certain members of society are still, mentally, traped in the Dark Ages - most notably religious creationists.

In intellectual circles the idea of a magically created universe was dismissed for what it was, a childs fairytale, 150 years ago when Darwin figured out how life has come to be as it is, through Evolution by Natural Selection.

But, of course, the theory has come under fire as it doesn't tie up with a mistranslated 2,000 year old shepherds almanac, namely the bible. Or the Koran. Or any other poorly constucted bronze age text.

Now it's come to my attention that living legend Sir David Attenborough has received "hate mail" from religious loons for failing to give credit to god in his programmes.

Feel that christian love.

Jesus v Santa

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7798480.stm

Cracking tale of a miserable priest who ruined Christmas for dozens of kids by telling them that Santa doesn't exist. Not only did he do it he said he do it again if he had the chance.

The priest said he had never intended to hurt anyone, but it was his duty to distinguish the reality of Jesus from the story of Father Christmas which was a fable just like Cinderella or Snow White.

You can almost taste the fucking irony here can't you ?

Still, I suppose we should at least point out that the priest didn't attempt to rape any of the little tykes.

Pope Hates Gays - It's Official

Pope 'Face' Benedict emparted some more Vatican 'wisdom' recently when he announced that mankind needed saving from 'teh gays'. Oh, and lady-boys.

But not content to leave it there he also had a crack at the United Nations saying that their resolution decriminalising homosexuality went too far.

Of course to any rational free-thinker this seems ludicrous; the United Nations going too far ? You're making no sense whatsoever now. Pop a wacky hat on and go and read some latin in a gold room somewhere would you old chap, the grown ups are talking.

The Poems, the poems !!

Stephen "Shithead" Green has been bothering people on behalf of god recently. This time it was Waterstones, the book store, who were threatened by Shithead for daring to invite poet Patrick Jones to read some poetry from his new book.

Fucking poems - what's next, nursery rhymes ?

Of course Waterstones capitulated immediately and cancelled the poetry reading, for fear of offending a man who must get offended by his own fuckin breakfast.

Why, oh why, did they not tell him to shut up and fuck off, the spiteful little cunt and his band of professional moaning fucks. How I hate him.

If god really did exist, he'd kill Stephen Green wouldn't he ? Yes, yes he would.

Tesco V Muslim

It's not often that you'll find me siding with a global capitalist conglomerate against one man, but when that man turns out to be yet another whining fucking Muslim 'victim' then my socialist worldview evaporates like hot piss on a cold winters morning.

In case you don't know the story, Mohamed Ahmed, left, worked as a fork lift truck driver (doesn't sound Islamic to me - as I'm fairly sure electronic motorised lifting equipment was forbidden by Muhammad) when he was asked to shift some palettes of beer. Yeah, I'm sure you can see where this one is heading. Needless to say Mo (I'm shortening his name because I can't be arsed to type the whole name, I'm never quite sure how to spell it and I'm hoping it's against Islam - let's be fair what isn't nowadays ?) threw his Koran out of his Mosque. Like a fucking little child.

When he refused to do his job Tesco sacked him. Mo then took Tesco to court for not respecting his religious beliefs. I've put beliefs in italics because that's all they are. Beliefs. Myths. Stories. Fucking make believe you stupid cunt now move those fucking palettes !

Sorry, sorry, now where was I ?

Ah yes, Mo takes Tesco to court. But get this, Tesco win ! Mo gets the finger from the fucking judge !

Is this a blow struck for rationality at last ? Well it certainly appears that way, lets just hope the inevitable appeal won't go Mo's way.

Blog Gets A Brazilian

No, not one of those pubic shavings, but a visitor from Brazil, namely Monkey in Brazil, who commented on my piece about Sherbert Fountains.

I knew fucking about with that sherbert would pay off - and how !

International readers, local media attention - I'm telling you the sky's the limit after this.

Oh, and I should also say thanks for the booze you brought back for me last time - it really was very nice with some fresh citrus fruits as suggested.

Courage Of Their Convictions

I wish more people had them to be honest. Dan O'Neil certainly has, but it would appear his fucking editor doesn't.

The South Wales Echo was besieged by biggoted divs (the word div comes courtesy of Stewart Lee) from the lunatic sky fairy group Christian Voice the other week. They are complaining, or should I say pissing and moaning like the bunch of retards they are, that the following snippet from a Dan O'Neil column was, yawn, blasphemous.

This Jesus feller swans around all day with a dozen other blokes. No women. Mark that, no women. And he wanders off into the mountains now and again to spend quality time with his, uh, favourites (Mark.9:2). He picks up small boys and girls and puts his hands upon them (Mark 10:16) And he was seen in a garden when one of his mates came up and kissed him (Matthew,26:48). Suspicious, eh?

It's similar to the Sam Kinison joke that you know Jesus wasn't married, because he was allowed to hang about with his mates for a month and not return home.

But if you read the above paragraph in it's proper context, it's clear that Dan wasn't having a pop at the baby Jebus, but was in fact wondering -

How would this fanatical Hammerer of Homosexuals, leader of a bunch of annoying bigots have interpreted events in Palestine a couple of thousand years ago?

As the article leads with.

Amazingly Bird-Shit Green, gathered his band of unhappy, guilt ridden arseholes and marched straight down to the Echo offices to demand the crucifixion of Dan O'Neil. Of course the editor of the South Wales Echo couldn't wait to hand over his journalistic integrity, as this apology shows -

It has come to our attention that in an article on Wednesday, July 16, headlined ‘If God considers gays and abomination why did he create them?’, our columnist Dan O’Neill offended a number of Christians . We would like to apologise for any offence caused to those people who believe the article insulted the Christian faith, Jesus Christ and the Holy Bible.

This isn't the most annoying thing about this though, I drive past the Echo offices every day and wouuld've happily mowed these sheep down.

That's a story nobody would've complained about.

They Sikh Him There . . .

That fucking kid won her appeal against being told what to do when in a state school. Un-bastard-believable. I'm furious about this, a school has a no jewelry policy but that is not acceptable to some because they believe in fairy tales, so they are allowed special treatment.

It's fucking unreal this. I'm gonna start calling myself a satanist and insist I should be allowed to sacrifice animals, no fuck that; people, at my desk in work. If anyone disagrees, I claim "discrimination" and it's off to the courts with a bag full of tax payers cash !

Will someone please find the balls to stand up to this retarded shit, I'm fucking begging you.

The irony of all this is that she's sooo fucking ugly, the jewelry is completely wasted on her.

Honestly, face like a bulldog licking piss of a bangle.

Sherbert Fountain

I'm sat here eating, if that's the word, a Sherbet Fountain for probably the first time in 25 years and it's not as good as I'd remembered. I'm sure that it's way smaller than it used to be (yes I'm aware I may have grown during the last quarter of a century) and the ratio of liquorice to sherbet is skewed massively in favour of the sherbet. I like sherbet but without the liquorice to access it, it's redundant within the snack.

Overall, a nice drop of nostalgia but it's no Topic to be honest.

Next week, those paper U.F.O.s with fizzy shit in 'em.

Muslims On A Train

I've read reports recently that Muslims, suprise, suprise, are now complaining about the use of sniffer dogs after complaints that it is "against Islam". Apparently the only thing that isn't against Islam nowadays is blowing shit up.

There's an easy solution to this mind; put up signs outside the stations informing passengers that sniffer dogs are in operation and all passengers may be subject to search. You can also add a caveat that if this seems unacceptable to you then maybe you should take a fucking cab instead.

Or put up a sign that reads "Sniffer dogs will remain in operation as long as Muslims keep blowing things up."

Just stop fucking kow-towing to these fucking idiots, you cowardly spineless fuckers.

Fuck it, free skateboards for all Muslims - what ? that's against Islam too ? What a fucking suprise.

George Carlin

R.I.P.
He's only gone an bloody died ! George Carlin, or Roofus to the Bill & Ted Fans here, has sadly passed away at the age of 71.

Carlin, suffering from chest pains, was admitted to hospital Sunday morning but passed away at 5.55pm PDT.

He'll be sadly missed.

Du Du, Du-Du-Duuu I'm Hating It

I was leaving ASDA yesterday lunchtime, when I passed the disabled parking spaces and noticed one of the parking spaces was occupied by a car without a disabled badge. This isn't a rare occurrence nowadays, but this car was occupied by a grossly fat family of four, all wolfing down McDonald's as if they hadn't eaten for a week.

My fucking blood boiled, I can tell you.

They've put up large signs in and around the disabled parking bays, because the fucking huge yellow wheelchair signs painted onto the parking bays themselves couldn't be seen, presumably as they were all covered over with McDonald's rubbish, but who knows.

I wanted to cube the car with them still in it. Fuckers.

Hating For Jesus

Feel The Christian Love

"The victim of a homophobic assault has called on the DUP's Iris Robinson to resign over comments she made about homosexuality.

The Stormont health committee chair has condemned attacks on gay people.
But in an interview on Friday, she said as a Christian she viewed homosexuality as an abomination and that gay people should seek counselling.

Stephen Scott, who was assaulted by three youths in Newtownabbey, said her comments "disgusted" him.

Mr Scott said Mrs Robinson's comments had made him feel worse.
"I certainly will not rest until she stands down for what she's done, because she's made my life hell since her comments,"

Have you no empathy you fucking horrid cunt ? The man was attacked and assaulted purely on the basis of who he chooses to love, but being a bigoted fuck you can't appreciate that can you ?

Every time a fucking faith-head opens their mouths on TV they serve as a reminded to all rationalists just why it's so fucking good not to believe in a giant sky fairy - because you end up sounding like this stupid fucking cunt.

As a secular rationalist I find Christianity an abomination and that people who believe in a Jewish Zombie should seek counselling.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7447850.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7439661.stm

Another Missing Child

I have recently discovered the terrible news of yet another missing child, this time that of a young man, which obviously doesn't warrant as much press coverage as a small innocent girl.

The son of a single parent, Jesus as he is known has been missing now for over 2000 years, even though a global organisation known only as C.H.U.R.C.H. has been established to find him, they are no closer now than they were all those years ago when he originally went missing.

It is believed that Jesus was last seen in Golgotha and may have been talking to Roman soldiers, possibly asking for directions or the time, but there have been other sightings such as Bethlehem, Jerusalem and even as far as India and in one instance a piece of toast.

If you have any information regarding Jesus dissapearence please contact GOD.

That's Not All Folks !

It's The Stupid Muhammed Show
With the advent of more Muslim ire over the drawing of some more cartoons, the Norwegians responded by drawing some more cartoons.

I've also noticed that these cartoons are all black and white. Lets get some colour cartoons printed up and we should be able to get these idiots spontaneously combusting in the street, mid protest, as they froth at the mouth over some imagined slight on behalf of a known child rapist (yes Muhammed I'm looking at you here).

But it makes you wonder just how backward are the contries these idiots are from ? I mean who gets worked up about a badly drawn cartoon from Norway ? You'd think this kind of ranting would be done by the lunatic fringe wouldn't you, but, whilst they may well be lunatics, fringe they are not. Here's a few quotes from Pakistani politicians on this matter -

"What is terrorism? Terrorism you commit an act, and thereby invite a strong reaction. And that reaction when it gets into spin it is uncontrollable. Similarly this hurts the feelings of the Muslim community all around the world, and therefore I think in a way it is an act of terrorism." - Pakistan’s ambassador to Norway, Rab Nawaz Khan compares cartoons to terrorism.

"It isn’t just the people of Pakistan that feel they have been harassed by what your newspaper has begun, I’d like to know if your newspaper is satisfied with what it has done and what it has unleashed? Danes know that they have insulted people around the world by printing and reprinting the Mohammed cartoons, which were done in poor taste." - Pakistan’s ambassador to Denmark Fauzia Mufti Abbas justifying the bombing of a Danish Embassy.

I think there's only one way to counter this kind of thinking; more cartoons, this time in colour !

Britain's Got Talent

Won by a fucking fourteen year old break dancer.

Welcome to 19-fucking-80 folks !

I'll bet that dog was absolutely gutted, and I reckon even the dog knew that break dancing was shit. Now I'll be the first to admit that I've never seen the show and that's a position I'm more than comfortable with, especially in the light that the show was won by a break dancer. He also beat a Hip Hop dance crew (more fucking break dancing ?) as well as a martial arts duo (why didn't they fuck up Simon Cowell) as he body popped his way to the £100,000 prize money.

Now I wonder what will he do with this, so called, talent ? As far as I'm aware there isn't much call for break dancing nowadays and even at it's height I can never remember much call for it.

I reckon he'll have 'coked' away his £100,000 in no time and will embark upon his new career of rent boying by the time he's twenty.

The Power Of Christ Compels You !

It's gibberish of the highest order. It comes from one of the largest religions in the world, the Catholic Church, and is a statement that would make any sane person laugh in derision. I'm talking about the Catholic Churches recent statement that "activities such as yoga, massage therapy, reiki or even reading horoscopes could put people at risk from evil spirits."

I'd laugh but for fear it'd all end in tears. Or demonic possession.

This statement was uttered by Father Jeremy Davies, exorcist for Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, the leader of Catholics in England and Wales.

Father Davies is seventy three.

Anyway, I'm wondering how this kind of thing slips out. Has Father Davies, demon slayer extraordinaire, taken to hanging about the bell tower screaming at passersby like a modern day Quasimodo ? Or does the Catholic Church condone and, more importantly , believe this sort of thing ?

Either way it doesn't really matter. What's really the issue is that this is the same organisation that weighed in the the fertility and stem cell research bills being passed through Parliament. Politicians voted against these bills, not on scientific grounds but on the grounds on the teachings of an organisation which believes in magical evil spirits. Believe it or not these are the people that are running your country.

It just goes to show you can say and do anything as long as it's under the guise of some sort of religion.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021712/Yoga-horoscopes-lead-possession-Devil-claims-Cardinal.html